Not as cute...

A little bit more about her and her last few days

2007-05-13T04:21:00.000-04:00

Do you remember this character I talked to you about? She was quite nice, huh? Well, she's not always been that nice. She used to be very irritable when things didn't turn out the way she wanted. Now she's learnt that she can't get all she wants and she just has to deal with it and learn from it so the next time she works harder and gets what she wants. That was a very tough lesson for her to learn, but now she feels much better overall, there's a lot less drama in her life and a lot more time relaxing and enjoying things.
The last few days have been quite hard for her. Lately, and for some reason, she's been forced to put aside her training. There were a few celebrations, she was in places where she could not exercise and could only eat crap, etc. Now she feels so out of shape, but she has such a willpower this won't be a problem at all. One step back, two steps forward. Yes, this was maybe 5 steps back but then it means 10 steps forward! That's her, being as optimistic as always. And for a reason. She always gets what she wants, because she doesn't mind working hard and sacrificing certain things to reach her goals.
Some people think she's some kind of an over achiever or something, but actually she works just as hard to help other people reach their goals.
For the next few weeks she'll have to work extra hard. It's the warmest season of the year, people are crowding the beaches of the island to celebrate the end of the year. She wants to join them, she wants to go swimming in the sea, but she has to work and she has to study for her finals. So that's going to be hard, but obviously she can do it. She's proved before she can do all that and keep a smile on her face.
She also wants to get ready for the next season, coming up in 7/8 weeks. She needs to be ready if she wants to have a good performance!
She's not worried about finding time to fit in her training and her studying. She's always been good at time management, and she uses exercise to evade for a while from the books. It keeps her focused and energized. Also, since she loves so much both things, it's very unlikely she'll give up on any of them.
I know, I know she hasn't got a name... no, don't add *yet*. She's in her 20s. It's just that in this island nobody has names, they call each other with a different word depending on the time of the day, if the weather is good, if you're wearing a certain colour, etc. So maybe I can ask her if she can pick a name so it's easier for us, but that'll probably be an awkward thing to ask for her.

The character.

2007-05-09T15:53:00.000-04:00

There was this character once, not too far from here, who wether she was being cool or acting cool, she always was cool.
She was quite sporty, she would hit the gym several days a week and take long walks the days she couldn't.
She was... well, actually is, living in an island. This island is 50 miles long. She lives on the south coast, near the one and only city in the island. Her school, however, is on the north coast, a place far better for studying, since there is no pressure or anything, just a place for learning. This island is probably located somewhere near Hawaii, because the climate and the language are quite similar. It's almost always sunny, weather forecasts are not fun to watch.
In this island she has many friends, some closer than others. And some of the closest live, ironically, on the north coast. But that's ok, she goes there quite often and they come to visit too.
She's always quite busy, she doesn't like to waste time. But, like in every island, there's no stress over things, no hurries, no pressure. Things get done when they get done, and there's no point in going nuts about it. She's never waisting time on her laptop or in front of the TV. She enjoys some of her free time on both, but mindfully. She watches the programs she likes, and then switches off the TV. Or she chats with her friends or just surfs the net for a while, but then gets back to work/sport/whatever she was doing. Because she's in control of her time, she doesn't let it slip through her fingers.
This may sound like she never enjoys a lazy moment, and that's not true. She loves lying outside with a good book, and she finds the time to do it. Actually, she always has the time to do it, because she does efficiently all she has to do the rest of the day.
And she has many things to do. Work never ends when you live in the country, there's always something to do at home, and she's willing to help. That's why she keeps a few hours a week for housework. She likes to feel she's helpful, and also likes a tidy house, so that's why this isn't a big deal for her.
She's, like I already said, in school. She has a lot of schoolwork to do, but she does it as well as she can, because she truly enjoys school and learning. Although it's a bit far, she has a beautiful school with everything she needs, and she's trying to get involved in activities that'll keep her connected to the school after she graduates, that's how much she likes it.
She's really into sports, so she used to watch what she eats. I say used to because now it's all second nature for her. She doesn't need to pay atention to avoid eating sugar or bread, she just knows it's not the food for her. And by the way she enjoys her vegetables and healthy food, nobody would say she's watching anything!
A couple times a week she writes on her blogs about how's life going at the island. Sometimes it gets a little bit claustrophobic there, being such a small island, but she's learning how to evade through exercise and relaxation and this is really helping her a lot.

Maybe I'll tell you a little bit more about her tomorrow, right now I have to go.

Feeling sick

2007-05-05T14:41:00.000-04:00

I'm ill. And to make things worse, I've gone back to my stupid habits, which makes me feel sick.
Today is the 2-weeks mark without purging. Yay. But today is also the first day in 2 weeks that I've been binge eating. I had done quite well with that, but today I just want to lay on the sofa, watch TV, eat sugar, watch TV, sleep, sleep, lay on the sofa, eat sugar...
I've eaten like a thousand donuts&muffins&cookies. I feel gross.
How can your body mess up with your mind this much? It's not like I have time to be in bed right now. If there's a time I need things to go smoothly is now! Finals are starting in 3 weeks, I have tons of work (apart from school), I signed up for a journalism constest which is going to take up a lot of my time, I'm setting up a whole seminar for next year... Wow, that's stressing even me.
If somebody knows where can I get extra hours to add at the end of my regular 24-h days, please let me know. I can't find them anywhere, not even on ebay.

The helpless... and the future

2007-04-18T17:30:00.000-04:00

Do you know that feeling, when you're having a bad dream, and you're trying to scream and you just can't let the voice out of your throat to save your life?(no pun intended)
That's how I feel most of the time when I'm around my brother. He has the upper hand, and it's been like this since he was 2. He just shuts me up and there I am, unable to make my voice sound, unable to stand up for my rights. And he leaves me feeling helpless, feeling like he'll always do whatever he wants to do with me. Knowing that, when my parents are no longer around, I won't feel safe near him. I have nothing to make me think he would be there for me, he would help me if I'm in trouble. Moreover, I don't think he would mind making profit out of my problems. And that scares the hell out of me. Because if you don't feel safe with your brother, who's left?
It's in times like this when I truly miss having somebody to cuddle with, somebody who's arms would be around me if nothing ever happens. And then I shake my head, I know I have people around, I know they care, and I know I haven't met the right person yet (not even close!) but sometimes I also think... what if I never find the right person? What if there's nobody for me out there? What if nobody chooses me? What if I end up with some sour-puss so I'm not alone surrounded by a zillion cats?
Sh**, I need to start working, it's midnight and haven't started yet... and has to be finished by 8am. Yay me.

Arts and Crafts

2007-04-03T16:59:00.000-04:00

Imagine, just for one second, you have the rare ability to be whomever you want to be. There's no limits. Design a life for your new you. Would you be hard working? Or more of a laid back, relaxed person? Would you be a good friend to your friends, one of those who's always there when needed? Or would you be an overachiever, a fighter with great expectations? And how would your daily life be? Would you wake up at the first ring of the alarm, with a big smile, have some fresh coffee and go to work fresh and happy? Or would you bargain with the clock trying to get those so sweet extra minutes and then have a coffee on the go and feeling you're making the most of your time? Or perhaps you would allow yourself to have a girls night out, or a day just for yourself or go and spend a weekend volunteering at a children's hospital?

It would be great to have that power. It would be great to be able to be whomever you want to be. And here're the good news: You CAN choose who you are, you CAN be that person you want to be. You just have to mean it. Draw a plan. Think of what you want to do. Where you want to get. And draw the lines that'll lead you there. And follow them. Trust your plan and live it from the first minute, from the first drop of ink on the paper. Do it. Let yourself dream.

Many, or dare I say most of us know what our dreams are. We know which things we admire on other people. We know what would we rather be doing. And we also know, somewhere deep down, how to get there. But most times we're really really scared of heading down that road. What if we fail? What if we're not meant to be like that? What if it's not that easy? Sure, it's not easy. Most of our dreams will take hard work and huge efforts to achive. But sure enough they're worth it. Otherwise they wouldn't be dreams.

I'm just asking you to believe in you. To be brave enough to draw that plan. To make the treasure map. Because the only limit is in your mind, and you just need to know how to jump over it.

And that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to think long and hard about who do I want to be for me, my family, my friends and all the people who may be in my life for some reason, now and in the future. I need to retract, think and refocus my energies, will, mind and body. I'm going to get control over my life back. Because I'm the only owner of it, and this stupid monster is trying to take it from me. And it's mine, and I want it pretty and clean of pressures and unwanted strings, thankyouverymuch.

So this is it. Give me some time to think about it, and I'll be back with the "new" me. Or perhaps not so new, just the "real" me that's been hiding under so many crappy things lately.

Why can't I write a decent entry on my blog?

2007-04-01T18:47:00.000-04:00

Here comes the explanation...

Rory: Maybe if you just put pen to paper.

Lorelai: I tried that. I thought I'll just sit down and write, whatever comes, no judgement, no inner critic. What was that a bad idea.

Rory: Really? Why?

Lorelai: Because my brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish. I'm writing a letter, I can't write a letter, why can't I write a letter? I am wearing a green dress, I wish I was wearing my blue dress, my blue dress is at the cleaners, the Germans wore grey, you wore blue, Casablanca, Casablanca is such a good movie, Casablanca the white house, Bush, why don't I drive a hybrid car?, I should really drive a hybrid car, I should really take my bicycle to work, bicycle, unicycle, unitard, hockey puck, rattle snake, monkey monkey underpants.

Oh that happens too?

2007-03-19T15:47:00.000-04:00

When you're not as cute as Rory Gilmore, life can be quite demanding. You don't get free drinks, you can't sit on a chair without that couple pounds of stomach fat showing up and you certainly can't get away wearing skinny jeans and flat shoes without looking you're about to explode.
And oh yeah, all that can be quite triggering and make you end up with an eating disorder. I may or I may not have one, but my relationship with food is just not normal, not sure about disordered. Or maybe I'm just tricking myself into thinking I'm fine and there's nothing to worry about. Because sometimes that's what our mind does best. Instead of making us notice what's surrounding us, it just makes up an unreal world. I don't know why this happens, but it does happen.
I'm becoming quite a successful young girl, or so I would like to believe. Actually I feel like an over stressed young girl who is losing control over everything and having no time at all to stop and think. To enjoy. To laugh. Oh, yeah, and that's triggering too. I'm not coping well with having a new job and outstanding grades, and I'm punishing my body with bingeing/purging episodes. The last two days that's all I did for hours, when I should have been working so I could go out tonight.
Oh well, so depression and eating disorders happen. But do they pass too?

Mondays

2006-11-06T07:26:00.000-05:00

Well, for me, modays start at 6AM with my lovely alarm clock beeping. Big yay. It means I have to get out of bed, shower, make breakfast, eat it, pack lunch, dry hair, get dressed, tidy up my bedroom, pick my books and start running to the metro station. Then take the L1 metro, change to L3 or L5, leave at the train station, C6 train until the last stop, then take the bus and... there we are, school! At that time is like a whole day has gone by, because I've had time to listen to the radio, read the papers, take a little nap, do some homework, catch up with my reading and even eat a little snack. But the truth is, I still have a whole day ahead.

My first class of the week is Cinematographic Representation Modes. We generally watch a movie, and then, while we are still looking puzzled (sometimes because we didn't understand a thing, sometimes because we've just woken up after a nice nap on our desk) the teacher tries to talk about it. Ten minutes later people start responding, and then it's quite interesting.

Today we watched "Un chien andalou" by Luis Buñuel. Funny how I made up my own interpretation, where everything made sense (to me) and then the teacher revealed that it was something completely different. I was tempted to shout out loud: hey! everybody is free to understand it in its own way, and my interpretation is just as good as yours! But actually it's not, he's the teacher and I'm not, and he realy knows what he's talking about.
Anyway it's the third time I've seen this movie (Introduction to Film class, in Thessaloniki, and the museum of cinema, in Torino) and every time I get a different explanation... Who knows what was in their mind...

After lunch I've got Science&Technology translation, which I don't think I'm attending today, since my cousin is at hospital having her heart cut open and I feel like I should better be there... After all, she's my twin cousin! I'll go, buy some chocolate, and make her day (or try to)

I hope I'll finish today my summaries for Legal&dmin. translation, otherwise I have no hope for thursday's test. How sad is that. I should be printing out my schemes and summaries tonight and start with the final 3 units (out of 10) I still haven't sarted working with. Lovely busy life.

The start line

2006-11-05T10:58:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty sure you've all seen those sexy, independent, proficient young girls pictured in TV series, movies etc. And I'm pretty sure too you've all wished you could be like them. But the truth is, you can't afford eating burgers and fries at a diner every single day, because after a week you would be broke and too fat to move. You normally can't have super efficient days like a normal thing, because some mornings you just can't move, and you should get a prize just for making it to school. Ah because you have a 2hours commute to school because you can't afford moving out of your parents unless you work full time, impossible when double-majoring. Also, you can't spend a week doing some serious studying for class because not only you have to keep attending classes, but you also have to keep going grocery shopping, laundry sorting, room cleaning, part-time working and oh so many delightful things that happen in anybody's daily life. Like having the period, or a headache, or being upset with your couple/ Because not all our friends look like Logan, Colin, Finn, Robert or Marty, not to talk about Dean or Jess. Our friends may not be top models, but they are the best, and need our attention and time. Sooo... that paper can wait, but I have to go to Anna's, she's so sad after the break-up and all... Oh yes. We don't get straight A's, but we do get a life. A hell lot of a life.
Does anybody know if there's a japanese restaurant in town that can cost 100$ to have dinner in? I don't think so. Although maybe, there is. And that's where all the pretty girls take their friends (in love) to suffer under the (spoiled) rich guy's talk. Oh well, it's life. The super intelligent girl picks the rich jerk over the loving sweet (not-so-rich) friend. Oh well. Maybe, it's life. But I hope it's not my life.

Anyway, after all these thoughts about real/fictional life, just a snap of MY reality. I woke up too late and I spent the morning doing nothing but wandering around... did one load of laundry, went to the bookstore (they called me yesterday about the cinema books I ordered last week, so it was about time...) then came back home, had lunch and now I'm just trying to find motivation to start studying. I have that crazy "Law & Bussiness translation" exam on thursday, so... I should at least get started if I don't want to get a big fat F.

Tuesday is the internships meeting. Then a bunch of students willing to go to the exact same place to do our internship will fight to get it. I'll be one of them, wish me luck. Mostly because at the end it'll be some kind of "the one who gets the lowest card loses" thing.