Do you know that feeling, when you're having a bad dream, and you're trying to scream and you just can't let the voice out of your throat to save your life?(no pun intended)
That's how I feel most of the time when I'm around my brother. He has the upper hand, and it's been like this since he was 2. He just shuts me up and there I am, unable to make my voice sound, unable to stand up for my rights. And he leaves me feeling helpless, feeling like he'll always do whatever he wants to do with me. Knowing that, when my parents are no longer around, I won't feel safe near him. I have nothing to make me think he would be there for me, he would help me if I'm in trouble. Moreover, I don't think he would mind making profit out of my problems. And that scares the hell out of me. Because if you don't feel safe with your brother, who's left?
It's in times like this when I truly miss having somebody to cuddle with, somebody who's arms would be around me if nothing ever happens. And then I shake my head, I know I have people around, I know they care, and I know I haven't met the right person yet (not even close!) but sometimes I also think... what if I never find the right person? What if there's nobody for me out there? What if nobody chooses me? What if I end up with some sour-puss so I'm not alone surrounded by a zillion cats?
Sh**, I need to start working, it's midnight and haven't started yet... and has to be finished by 8am. Yay me.
April 18, 2007
April 03, 2007
Arts and Crafts
Imagine, just for one second, you have the rare ability to be whomever you want to be. There's no limits. Design a life for your new you. Would you be hard working? Or more of a laid back, relaxed person? Would you be a good friend to your friends, one of those who's always there when needed? Or would you be an overachiever, a fighter with great expectations? And how would your daily life be? Would you wake up at the first ring of the alarm, with a big smile, have some fresh coffee and go to work fresh and happy? Or would you bargain with the clock trying to get those so sweet extra minutes and then have a coffee on the go and feeling you're making the most of your time? Or perhaps you would allow yourself to have a girls night out, or a day just for yourself or go and spend a weekend volunteering at a children's hospital?
It would be great to have that power. It would be great to be able to be whomever you want to be. And here're the good news: You CAN choose who you are, you CAN be that person you want to be. You just have to mean it. Draw a plan. Think of what you want to do. Where you want to get. And draw the lines that'll lead you there. And follow them. Trust your plan and live it from the first minute, from the first drop of ink on the paper. Do it. Let yourself dream.
Many, or dare I say most of us know what our dreams are. We know which things we admire on other people. We know what would we rather be doing. And we also know, somewhere deep down, how to get there. But most times we're really really scared of heading down that road. What if we fail? What if we're not meant to be like that? What if it's not that easy? Sure, it's not easy. Most of our dreams will take hard work and huge efforts to achive. But sure enough they're worth it. Otherwise they wouldn't be dreams.
I'm just asking you to believe in you. To be brave enough to draw that plan. To make the treasure map. Because the only limit is in your mind, and you just need to know how to jump over it.
And that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to think long and hard about who do I want to be for me, my family, my friends and all the people who may be in my life for some reason, now and in the future. I need to retract, think and refocus my energies, will, mind and body. I'm going to get control over my life back. Because I'm the only owner of it, and this stupid monster is trying to take it from me. And it's mine, and I want it pretty and clean of pressures and unwanted strings, thankyouverymuch.
So this is it. Give me some time to think about it, and I'll be back with the "new" me. Or perhaps not so new, just the "real" me that's been hiding under so many crappy things lately.
It would be great to have that power. It would be great to be able to be whomever you want to be. And here're the good news: You CAN choose who you are, you CAN be that person you want to be. You just have to mean it. Draw a plan. Think of what you want to do. Where you want to get. And draw the lines that'll lead you there. And follow them. Trust your plan and live it from the first minute, from the first drop of ink on the paper. Do it. Let yourself dream.
Many, or dare I say most of us know what our dreams are. We know which things we admire on other people. We know what would we rather be doing. And we also know, somewhere deep down, how to get there. But most times we're really really scared of heading down that road. What if we fail? What if we're not meant to be like that? What if it's not that easy? Sure, it's not easy. Most of our dreams will take hard work and huge efforts to achive. But sure enough they're worth it. Otherwise they wouldn't be dreams.
I'm just asking you to believe in you. To be brave enough to draw that plan. To make the treasure map. Because the only limit is in your mind, and you just need to know how to jump over it.
And that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to think long and hard about who do I want to be for me, my family, my friends and all the people who may be in my life for some reason, now and in the future. I need to retract, think and refocus my energies, will, mind and body. I'm going to get control over my life back. Because I'm the only owner of it, and this stupid monster is trying to take it from me. And it's mine, and I want it pretty and clean of pressures and unwanted strings, thankyouverymuch.
So this is it. Give me some time to think about it, and I'll be back with the "new" me. Or perhaps not so new, just the "real" me that's been hiding under so many crappy things lately.
April 01, 2007
Why can't I write a decent entry on my blog?
Here comes the explanation...
Rory: Maybe if you just put pen to paper.
Lorelai: I tried that. I thought I'll just sit down and write, whatever comes, no judgement, no inner critic. What was that a bad idea.
Rory: Really? Why?
Lorelai: Because my brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish. I'm writing a letter, I can't write a letter, why can't I write a letter? I am wearing a green dress, I wish I was wearing my blue dress, my blue dress is at the cleaners, the Germans wore grey, you wore blue, Casablanca, Casablanca is such a good movie, Casablanca the white house, Bush, why don't I drive a hybrid car?, I should really drive a hybrid car, I should really take my bicycle to work, bicycle, unicycle, unitard, hockey puck, rattle snake, monkey monkey underpants.
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